Sick Heart
by OhLiz
Summary: How could anyone heal Logan's heart when James broke it? How can his heart be healed when he had a rare cancer and was nearing his expected death any day? Kogan, slight Jagan. ON HIATUS.
1. Chapter 1

My first fanfic! This story idea has been bothering me for a year and it just wouldn't let me not write it. Yes, it has a mind of its own. So, I finally gave in and wrote the first chapter. I'm glad I did because it came out better than how it was pictured in my mind. Hope you all like this!

Disclaimer: I do not own BTR.

* * *

He was alone. No one to talk to. No one to be held by. No one to love. No one cared.

He was sick. No one to talk to about the disease. No one to comfort him when he was overwhelmed. No one to be loved by.

He had him. He loved him. He lost him.

He cared for him. He laughed with him.

He fell for him.

He lay alone, staring at the clock, the never ending ticking of every second being his only comfort. He wanted to live. Then again, what was there to live for? He was gone. He saw no point in being with a guy who couldn't bring him anything. Sick. He had cancer. Why anyone would stay was beyond him. _I'm useless. Look at me; I'm losing all my hair. I'm weak. I'm nothing. I'm done for. Soon enough, this bed I'm lying on will hold my corpse. My soul will go up. That is how it should be. I'm not needed. God didn't want me to stay in this cruel world. He wants to show me what I can have in the other world. I could be happy. No more tears. That is what I want. I'm too weak to cry, too weak to cry for help. The doctor; he doesn't want me to live anymore. There is no more to do anymore. Just wait to die. It's all that's left. He left me, anyway. He was the last person who cared. The world wouldn't be affected if I died. No one would notice my absence. No one notices me, anyway. It's not like there would be much of a difference. My parents shouldn't have even had me. They don't love me. This cancer is probably the best thing that has ever happened to them. They have an excuse to get rid of me now. _

But, as always, Death didn't answer. Why? He didn't know. It was hard for him to do anything anymore but he still kept on living, the heart monitor kept running, and he kept breathing; not that he wanted to. He took in a deep breath, his neck cracking a bit at the fast breath in. This is what the cancer did to him. It left him short of breath, always having to gasp for more to fill his lungs. At first it was only when he ran that he would have shortness of breath, of course that was common in almost everyone. Pretty soon it was when he walked to and fro, slowly or fast. Then it was all the time and there was nothing he could do to stop it. The doctors thought he was a unique one, he definitely had weird symptoms and no tests could state what the symptoms were for. He didn't know what he had. He definitely wasn't born this way. These symptoms started twenty-one years after he was brought into this world.

Then, other symptoms started to rise. As if breathing problems weren't enough, his heart didn't beat regularly. It could beat normally, which was very rare in his case. Then, it would beat fast and it made him feel like the world around him was moving at lightning speed. And then it would slow down and he felt like his life was ending. It wasn't like how his heart raced when he was around him. No, that was a good kind of heart speed. He would be lucky to have his heart go at that speed. But, that's not how it was. His heart – like everything else about him– was just weird.

He wished that his life could be like what it was. Yeah, he didn't have friends and a supportive family but he had him. He had his boyfriend – the loving boyfriend. James was his name. James Diamond. When he met him, he thought he was sent from God himself. He was truly an angel. The way he laughed with him, talked with him, looked at him with that sparkle in his eyes, it made him melt. For years he thought he was the one. That was when his life was perfect by his definition. All the free time he had went towards James. He brightened up his day and as did he to him. He never thought someone like James would take a second glance at him like he did that one day, but he did. And with that second glance James made a decision that he never seemed to regret. He came up to Logan and they had their first conversation. It was awkward at first, neither of them knowing what to say. But, after an awkward silence and then James suddenly busting out in laughter, Logan started laughing along with him. And that hearty laugh broke the ice. The smiled at each other, their toothy grins melting each other's hearts and that's when they both knew. They knew that they needed one another.

Their relationship progressed every month, both agreeing to take it steady at first but then realizing that steady was overrated. They had countless dates, countless make-out sessions, countless nights of making love. Their relationship only got better. Logan couldn't ask for anything more. Love was just what he needed and he already had it.

But, just as quickly as their relationship started, it seemed to just go downhill. Sure, they still went on countless dates and showed their affection for each other but, it didn't seem the same. Logan knew it wasn't him, he knew he would never let James drift away. But, James seemed to let Logan do that. They remained together, both not talking about the small gap in their relationship, both thinking it could be rebuilt.

And then he was diagnosed. Cardiac sarcoma was what they called it. Out of the billion and billion people on this planet who could possibly be diagnosed with such a rare and uncommon cancer, he just had to get it. No one in his family ever had it before; he was the first out of all his ancestors and relatives. When the news struck his family, everyone looked at him as if he wasn't one of them. _We can't keep him here and pay for the chemo and for him to get better. He'll die. This cancer is rare and surely enough, the cancer would end up beating him, _his mother said. After this disease was found in his body and word let out that the richest family in town had a son who was not only gay– to his parents' dismay– but also a diseased freak, the parents knew they had to do something about him, fast.

Five days after the discovery of Logan's cancer was when his parents decided what they would with him. They trudged into his room, trying to act calm and as if they weren't about to get rid of their son. His father came up to him, closed the hockey magazine the brunette was trying to read, and began telling Logan of the day's plans. Logan didn't miss how his mother made sure to stand at least a foot or two away from him. Somehow, they thought that the disease could jump off him and get on them and kill them in an instant. The father cringed and walked towards him, putting his big and firm hand around Logan's upper arm and dragging him out of his seat.

"The car is waiting for us outside. Let's go," his father said as they made their way downstairs.

_Shouldn't family days be fun? Shouldn't my parents be a little more enthusiastic about spending time with their only son? Why are they even doing this? I'm not even in the mood to spend time with them. I'm not feeling that great today. I just want to cuddle with James and nap in his arms, knowing I'm safe._

They all piled into the black car, a silent and deadly atmosphere filling the car. He didn't have a clue as to where they were going to and his parents had no interest in telling him.

After an awkward hour in the car they wound up outside a hospital. His father once again gripped his son's arm and off they went into the hospital. _Why are we even here? I'm tired of hospitals. I just came back from one last night. I thought this was a family day…did they lie to me?_

"We'll be back in an hour, two, tops. Bye, Logan." A couple of nurses brought a wheelchair to him, sat him down, and wheeled him out of the room and into a patient's room – his own room. It was then that he understood that his parents didn't have any intention in coming back.

* * *

After an hour of continuous tests from the doctor, he was alone at last. He picked up his phone on his bedside table – thankful that at least his parents left him that– and dialed James' number. He needed to hear his voice, he craved for the feeling he got when James held him in his arms. He needed to see him.

Two rings later, James picked up. Logan didn't miss the sudden change of mood when James said "hello," it made his own heart flutter.

"Hey, James."

"Hey, babe. I miss you. You busy?"

"Uh…actually, no. Can you come to the hospital?" Logan didn't tell James the bad news yet. He had no idea that Logan had cancer.

"The hospital? What are you doing there?"

"I'll explain it all face to face. So, will you come?"

"Of course. I'll be there in fifteen." He ended the call and glanced at the time on his iPhone, seeing it was only three PM. He lay down deeper in his bed, putting his weak hand over his heart. The pain was hurting him like no other and he couldn't do anything to stop it. He grimaced when another sharp pain shot through his heart but smiled again when he remembered that in a matter of minutes he would see his one and only love. He lightly drummed his fingers on his stomach, trying to keep himself occupied. A mere ten minutes passed before there was a soft knock on his door.

"Come in," Logan strained. He grew tired fast, wanting nothing else but to sleep but he couldn't when James was here. He wanted to see James.

"Hi, honey," he greeted, giving him a kiss before looking him up and down, trying to figure out what was wrong. "You don't look sick…why are you here?"

Logan took a deep breath in, silently thinking how he should come about this situation. He couldn't just randomly blurt it out. He needed to prepare James. "I was at the doctor's a few weeks ago; I had to take some tests," Logan started, looking into James' eyes to search for his emotions before continuing. "I, uh, I haven't been feeling all that well. He took a few x-rays and all kinds of stuff and just last week I found out what I have." James' eyebrows wrinkled in confusion, again looking Logan up and down and not seeing anything different about him.

"Well? What do you have? The flu? Did you pull a muscle when running? What?" James said, growing more and more impatient.

"Babe," Logan took James' hand, trying to brace himself and James for what was about to come. "I have… they said I – the doctor's told me…" He took in another deep breath. He couldn't do this. This would break James' heart. He didn't want James to have to see him become weaker and sicker but James had to know. "I have cancer," he whispered. James just stared at him, not being able to find anything to say. At first his face held one of confusion, then pity, and then pure disgust.

"Cancer? What kind? When? How?"

"Cardiac sarcoma." More confusion clouded James' beautiful features. His hazel orbs stared down at his boyfriend's heart, as if he had x-ray vision.

"I never heard of that."

"That's because it's rare. Not a lot of people get diagnosed with it. It's a tumor in my heart. It hurts, Jamie. It hurts so much," Logan whimpered. He reached for his boyfriend's hand again, only to have James pull his hand back.

"A _rare_ disease? How did you even get it?"

"I was born with chest problems but my parents never thought anything of it. The chest problems were symptoms to the cancer." He stretched out his hand, again trying to grasp his boyfriend's hand in his but failed, again. "James…"

James stood up in a flash, something striking through his body. "Get away from me! A _rare_ kind of cancer? What if I get it? What if somehow you transmit it to me?"

"James, don't be silly. I can't just give it to you. You're fine."

"But you said yourself that it's rare! What if this rare cancer transmits to me? I have so much going for me, that can't happen!"

"James, relax. I promise you there is no way you'll get what I have."

"So now what? You're on bed rest?"

"Well, yeah. The doctors' need to take care of me and know what's going on with my heart and all. They don't want me doing anything that could make it worse. And you'll come visit me, right?" Logan asked, staying hopeful and knowing that James would never leave him for something like this. Something told him that something bad was about to happen, something he would never expect.

"What's the point? You'll be in bed all the time. We can't go on dates. We can't spend time with each other. We can't do anything anymore." Logan's eyes widened at this. Was James about to do what Logan feared he was going to do? No, it couldn't be. They loved each other and nothing could break their love. Nothing.

"We can spend time with each other! We'll just talk here and you'll visit me and it'll be like nothing's wrong." James shook his head, his hair falling into his eyes. He swept it back as he took Logan's hand in his.

"You'll just get sicker and sicker. It's not like they can cure you so you never have cancer again. It's better to just say goodbye now, before everything goes downhill and-"

"James…Don't do this, please." It was happening. James was doing what he promised to never do. He couldn't leave Logan. They had so much history. They had a whole future ahead of them!

"I hope you get better Logan. You're just not what I need. I don't want a guy who's sick and can't give me anything. I can't be with you. I need someone who can give me what I want, what I need. It's just not you. I'm sorry." James didn't sound sorry, not one bit.

"James, p-please, do not do this. I love you, we were meant to be! Remember? Forever and always!" By now Logan has tears streaming down his face and he's doing nothing to try and stop them. James stares at him, not knowing what to do.

"I hope everything will be fine. It was nice going out with you. And, we weren't meant to be. Things happen for a reason. This was the world's way of telling us to split up already."

"WE WERE! We were meant to be! D-don't leave me! Please…don't do it. Please…" Logan's tears have turned into those of anger. He desperately wants James to stay but after what he just said, he doesn't know anymore. He never thought James, the man he loved, would do this to him.

Not being able to stand this anymore, James spoke his last words, not showing any emotion whatsoever. "Goodbye, Logan." He turns on his heel, leaving with not so much as a glance back at the sick boy.

Logan turns on his side, letting more tears escape. He wants James. He needs James. James doesn't want him. No one wants Logan. His family doesn't care. He has no friends. He has nobody. He thought he could fight this disease, he thought that the cancer would go away and he could continue his life but now he doesn't want that. He actually wants this cancer to take over his body, to leave him weak and make him nothing. He wants to die because now, there's nothing to live for.

His vision blurred as he stared up at the pale ceiling, tear after tear blinding him from seeing clearly. He rolled over, wincing when another pain shot through his heart. _This will kill me. I have no intention in living. God made a mistake, a bad one. I'll be gone before anyone knows it. My parents can live happily ever after knowing they don't have a son anymore. James can continue being a douche; he can continue being the man who breaks everyone's hearts and doesn't get hurt from it. I'll be gone, anyway. I don't have to live in this world, knowing that James is out and about, and hanging with his friends, laughing like an idiot and having fun while I'm slowly dying. I'll be gone from it all. It'll all happen soon and it'll be the best thing that has ever happened to me. _


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you so much for the people who reviewed, favorited, and alerted. It means the world to me when you guys do.

This is kind of a short chapter but the chapters will get longer as the story progresses.

Disclaimer: I do not own BTR.

* * *

James enters his apartment cautiously, hoping Kendall isn't home at the moment. He just wants to be alone to be able to think about what just happened without being bombarded with questions from a very curious Kendall. Though the hospital was only a short ten minute drive from where James lived, it took James over an hour to get home after his heartless break-up with Logan. James' mind was plagued with Logan's cries, his pleas, his tears. James hated seeing people cry, especially people he loved. Even if James had said those horrible words to a sick person, he hadn't meant any of it.

_I hope you get better Logan. You're just not what I need. I don't want a guy who's sick and can't give me anything. I can't be with you. I need someone who can give me what I want, what I need. It's just not you. I'm sorry. _

And really, James was sorry. He did want Logan to get better. Logan _was _what James needed. Logan was James' rock, he kept him grounded. James never considered himself smart and that was exactly why he needed Logan; he was the only man in James' life that was able to help him think through almost anything. Honestly, James didn't want to be with someone who was sick but it was Logan, his soul mate. Logan _could _give James what he wants; he gave him exactly what he needed. But, James couldn't keep Logan. He couldn't keep him when he was threatened with something that mattered to him almost as much Logan; his reputation.

James was seen as a certain somebody in everyone's eyes in their small town. He was someone everyone wanted to be, he was an idol to young ones and an inspiration to older ones. He was also a big ladies man, until one night when everything went downhill. James found himself not being able to forget about a certain brunette he'd once seen at a diner one night after school. He found himself thinking about him constantly and he just couldn't stop. No one knew about his secret; about him being gay. James was only sixteen when he discovered that boys were just appealing to him as girls were to every other man-whore friend he had. James spent exactly six months remaking himself. He couldn't be gay, not when liking the same sex was so frowned upon. He started with tearing down every poster he had in his room and replacing them with pictures of trampy girls in very little to no clothing covering their bodies. Then, he went on a hunt for a blade. If he was going to be disgusting and like guys, he had to be punished. Every time a guy crossed his mind or James found himself checking someone out that wasn't a girl, he ran to the nearest bathroom or any place he could find that was private and pulled out his wallet, taking out the blade that he stuck between dollar bills and his driver's license. The pain was excruciating and he couldn't bear to see his own blood run down his wrist like that. But, James couldn't seem to accept himself and what he has become. It wasn't until James met Logan that his opinion changed. Love was possible, no matter what gender you found it in. Logan found out about James' scars quickly and promised to keep it a secret for his sake, wanting James to be happy made him happy. James continued checking out girls when in public, just to make people believe that he was still the same player and heart-breaker as before. James would never deliberately cheat on Logan, he could never do that to him after all they'd been through.

James' luck ran out as he found Kendall in the kitchen, pouring a glass of water for himself to go with the sandwich he made for himself. "Hey, man," Kendall said, picking up the sandwich and stuffing his mouth with it. "What's…m-happening?" Kendall asked with a mouthful of various sandwich articles.

"Chew with your mouth closed," James said, rolling his eyes and grabbing a bottle of water from the refrigerator. Kendall studied James as he absentmindedly played with the bottle in his hands.

"You okay?" Kendall asked after he finally swallowed the bite of his sandwich.

"Why do you always know when someone isn't okay? It's so annoying."

Kendall smirked and shrugged. "Because I know everything. And, I practically know everything about you. Now, what's wrong?"

"L-Logan…" James found himself at loss for words. He found that his throat chose to close up once again and then he couldn't continue his explanation to Kendall. Even saying his lover's name brought tears to his eyes. James looked down, blinking back tears that were too stubborn to go away. And so James cried, bringing his head back up as Kendall enveloped his arms around James. Even after all they've been through, seeing James cry was a rare occurrence. Kendall could count on one hand how many times he's seen James become weak right before his eyes.

"Did Logan cheat on you?" James shook his head no as he gasped for breath. "Did he break up with you?" Another no. "Then what did he do?"

"I-I'm so, so, so stupid!"

"James what did you do? C'mon, talk to me buddy. You can tell me anything."

"I broke up with him," James whispered hoarsely, Kendall almost missing what he said.

So many questions ran through Kendall's mind but he decided to ask the most basic one. "Why?"

"His parents made me. They said if I didn't then everyone would find out I'm gay! Can you believe that? I don't want my rep ruined!" James said, watching how Kendall face-palmed himself and then rolled his eyes. "What?"

"You're so stupid! Logan means so much to you! Why would you do that? Who cares if people know you're gay? You love Logan!"

"I love my rep, too! I just…I want him back."

"Why did his parents make you break up with him all of a sudden? They were never fond of the idea of you two dating but why now?"

"He…he's sick."

"Does he have the flu?" Kendall asked, James shaking his head no.

"C-cancer…he has cancer."

"He what? When did this happen?" Kendall asked in a panic.

"Recently. His parents were so upset, thinking that having a sick son would benefit to nothing. They want nothing to do with him and most importantly, they don't want me being with him. They told me that he had cancer right before I went to see him at the hospital. Logan didn't know I knew about it already. I had to act shocked – more shocked than I already was. I feel so horrible."

"You're an idiot." Kendall walked to the closet near the front door, James in tow.

"Where are you going?"

"To see Logan. Clearly you won't be there to support him through this time. He needs someone." Kendall tugged on his jacked and slipped out of the apartment and made his way to the his car.

* * *

Three short knocks brought Logan out of his slumber. He sat up and scratched his eyes, trying to get them to see better before saying a quiet "come in".

"Hey, Logan," Kendall said, walking around to Logan and giving him a light squeeze.

Logan's breath hitched and he smiled too himself while Kendall had his strong arms around him. "Hi." Logan was still groggy from his nap, having nothing to do after James broke up with him out of nowhere and decided to sleep.

"How are you…uh, holding up?" Kendall asked, hesitating a bit, not knowing whether the question would trigger negative emotions.

"Better than this morning. How did you find out?"

"James told me." Logan nodded in understanding and then looked down, hating the mention of his ex-boyfriend's name. "I'm so sorry. I can't believe he would do this to you and right after you told him about your…" Kendall hesitated, not knowing if it was okay to say the horrid word.

Logan chuckled and smiled his lopsided grin. "It's okay. You can say it. I've accepted it. It's just a word."

"Well to me it's a curse. Especially if a friend of mine has it. I don't want to say it. I refuse to say it. And I refuse to believe that God would do this to you. You don't deserve it, Logan!" Kendall suddenly stood up in a flash. "Why did this have to happen? You've been so kind and you've never done anything bad! Why do you have to be punished? Why?" Kendall raged. Logan put his hand on Kendall's leg, stopping him from pacing around his bed.

"Please, Kendall. Just sit down and relax."

"I'm sorry," Kendall says, sitting down next to Logan and getting much closer than he needs to be. "What kind of cancer do you have?"

"Cardiac sarcoma." Logan has said it so many times that those two words felt like his name now. He left as if those two words were etched onto his forehead for the whole world to see.

"Cardiac sarcoma…what? But… that's – no! You can't have that! No, Logan! This can't be happening! Please, just tell me that this is some stupid prank you're playing on me to get me for eating all the cinnamon rolls at our last brunch. Tell me that there's a camera somewhere that's filming me right now and in ten minutes we'll be watching it, laughing at how crazy I went. Tell me this is all a joke that James set up. Stop doing this to me, Logan!" And that's when Kendall broke down, taking Logan's hand in his and gripping it too tight, making Logan gasp a little at how his heart seemed to beat faster and again, the feeling of his world spinning was back.

"Kendall, stop. You're hurting me. Kendall!" Kendall let out a small gasp and jumped off the bed, bringing his hand to cup his mouth, hating himself for what he just did.

"Logan, I-I'm so sorry! I-I didn't mean it. I…sorry."

"Why are you getting so worked up over this? No one else is."

"I'm not everyone else. I'm Kendall, the guys who doesn't want to lose you."

"You barely talk to me anymore. We were close for like a month and then you drifted away. And now you're here, saying how this cancer cannot be real and that you don't want to lose me. You're making such a big deal out of it and I don't understand why."

"You're so blind, Logan. I can't do this. You don't understand and I just…I can't. I'm sorry." Kendall stood up once again, turning his back to Logan and walking to the door.

"Where are you going?" Logan asked, sitting up in his bed.

"Home. I just can't see you like this."

"You've never been here for me for anything and now you come, wanting to talk and comfort me and now you're leaving me. Again. Why do you keep doing this? What have I ever done to get such ignorance from you?"

"James… he did this," Kendall whispered.

"Excuse me?"

"I wanted to ask you out. And then he came up to you and you were so head over heels for him. I couldn't stand you, how you lost yourself in James. You didn't see what I saw. He's always been my best friend and I know what he's capable of, you don't. I see another side of him. A side that is able to hurt and damage. You don't see that. I couldn't see you with him so I distanced myself. And I knew he was going to hurt you and you were so naïve!" Kendall turned away from the door, facing Logan but keeping space between the both of them.

Logan paled, turning whiter than he already was. "You liked me?" he whispered.

"Yes, very much."

"I didn't know. I thought you -"

"You only noticed James! Everything else was irrelevant to you! You two were inseparable since the day you two got together! Do you think he's always stayed faithful to you? Do you think he hasn't checked out other guys, or even girls? Do you think you're the only he's kissed for years?"

A knock on the door had Kendall stop his rant and freeze, waiting to see who would walk in.

"Logan, it's time for your dinner," a nurse said, wheeling in Logan's lunch.

"Thank you," Logan nodded in gratitude as the nurse walked out.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that," Kendall said in regret.

"You should go." Logan reached to take the spoon on the side of the tray, scooping up some soup and raising it to his mouth only to have the soup spill.

"Do you need help?" Kendall asked, sitting down on Logan's bed.

"I most definitely do not need help. Especially from you."

"Logan, I'm sorry. I was just angry. I lost control of my emotions. I want to help you. I want to be here for you."

"I just need time to think. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Fine." Kendall stood up from Logan's bed, something he'd done several times in the past hour, and hovered over Logan, hesitating. He placed a chaste kiss on Logan's left cheek, chuckling a bit at Logan's blush, and finally leaving Logan.

_James just dumped me. Kendall just kissed me, _Logan thought. _I still want James. _

_James just dumped Logan. I just kissed him, _Kendall thought. _I still want Logan._


	3. Chapter 3

I'm so sorry for being a horrible person and not updating! School is finally out so I'll be updating much, much faster.

This chapter was beyond annoying to write. But, my friend Alayna helped me plenty and I'm grateful I have her. Really, without her, half the things I wrote in this chapter would not have happened. Now, on to the story!

Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush. But everyone wishes to.

* * *

Slamming the remote control on the coffee table, James got up off the couch and made his way into the kitchen, opening the refrigerator with force and grabbing a bottle of water.

"Someone's angry," Kendall sing-songed as he came into the kitchen. James met his amused eyes with ones of annoyance, hatred, and guilt.

"Shut up. Where are you going?" James asked, taking into account that Kendall looked kind of decent.

"Places. What's it to you?"

"I'm just asking. Where do you disappear off to? You never tell me anymore."

"Well maybe it's because it's none of your business."

"Are you seeing someone?"

"No. But I really care about him."

"Oh, so it's a him? After the last relationship you had, I thought you would go back to girls."

"Well, I like him. But he doesn't like me back. I should get going. I'll see you later."

"Bye," James said with a sigh as he watched his friend leave…if they were even that anymore. Since the day James told Kendall about dumping Logan, Kendall seemed to act different. He would leave sometime at noon and come back at nine. The days he didn't leave, he would stay up in his room and not come out.

James looked to the front door, wondering if there was anywhere he could go. He desperately wanted to see Logan, to see how he was doing and if he was better. He knew Logan wasn't forgiving him anytime soon- if ever.

These past few days, James had noticed how lonely his life actually was. Even though everyone thought he was popular and he was seen as a guy who had hundreds of friends, it wasn't true. James took care of himself naturally because, well, he wanted- no, needed- to look good. He had noticed that he had started caring less about his appearance than ever.

And it was all Logan's fault.

As James rummaged through the refrigerator, looking for something that would fill his everlasting hunger, he thought of what he had for his last meal. It was lunch time now. Breakfast consisted of half a cup of coffee. Yesterday he only had half a slice of pizza before he became sick to his gut and forced himself to empty out everything he ate-which wasn't much. James couldn't remember the last time he had a real meal.

Probably right before he broke up with Logan.

Everything changed when James had left Logan lost, broken, even emotionless, in his small hospital room.

Slamming the refrigerator door close, James felt full, even with nothing in his stomach- which was becoming smaller by the day. Running a hand through his dingy brown hair, James felt a few hairs here and there stay in his hand and as he brought his hand to his face, he saw that at least six more hairs had fallen out.

Stress. A lot of it.

"I hate what you've done to me," James murmured as he went back into his bedroom.

Laying in his bed, James closed his eyes and let himself drift off into a deep slumber.

_Logan had come to James' house on their first Fourth of July together. They both had decided to meet up before going to the party one of James' friends was hosting. As James checked himself out in the mirror, the doorbell rang and James all but ran to the door, trying to look calm and collected, just like Logan seemed to look. Of course, James didn't know that through the facade that Logan held, Logan was also sweating bullets. _

_"Logan! Come in!" James stepped aside, shutting the door behind him. _

_"Hey, James." Logan gently grabbed the back of James' neck and brought their lips together, savoring the short kiss. _

_Smirking, James pulled away and held onto Logan's shoulders, and said "You know, I'm perfectly okay with staying at home. You seem to want that too." _

_"Nice try. Let's go." As Logan made his way to the door, James eyed the way his butt seemed to sway from left to right. _

_"Sexy," James murmured as he followed suit. _

_ James had laid a plan for the night. A plan that Logan had not known about but James was feeling really good about it. _

_James knew that if there was one thing Logan despised, it was alcohol. Though Logan had a shot or two, he didn't like to go all out like the others-like James. But that was exactly what James was trying to do. James hated showing emotion, he didn't like being sentimental. He wanted one thing that night-to say 'I love you' and to show how much. And as James drank more, he got crazier, practically forcing Logan to take him home after only being at the party for an hour. _

* * *

Kendall entered the hospital with a slight smirk, something no one should be wearing when entering such a depressing zone for most people. But he couldn't help it; it was that time of day when he got to visit Logan. It was the fourth time Kendall was at the hospital that week and it was the only thing he looked forward to when he awoke.

As Kendall made his way into the elevator, he couldn't help but think of the last few times he saw Logan.

The first time he was here, Logan and Kendall got into an argument, Kendall making the mistake by telling Logan that there was a time that he liked him. What Kendall didn't mention that time was that his crush never disappeared. As hard as Kendall tried not to love his best friend's boyfriend – ex-boyfriend – he just couldn't help it. He was mad at the fact that it was cancer that brought the two of them together because he made the mistake of deliberately avoiding him for years, but it was better late than never…unless Logan did end up dying.

_Stop thinking that. He will not die. He's strong and smart and he could do it. He will fight the cancer. He's a fighter, and he could do it._ Could he? Kendall wanted to believe it, he knew positivity was key in situations like this but seeing Logan get worse every day was taking a toll on his beliefs.

The second time he came, Logan welcomed him with a grin and open arms, enveloping Kendall into a tight hug and silently crying into his shoulder, overwhelmed because of the disease. Kendall remembered how scared he was, wanting nothing but to hold Logan tightly against him but not wanting to hurt his fragile body.

The third time was spent with laughter and several different conversations, Kendall not wanting to leave but forced by the nurse when visiting hours came to an end. Logan watched Kendall leave with a slight frown on his face; he didn't want to see the day end. Not when days seemed to pass so much quicker and each one meant so much to him.

Logan seemed to grow fonder of Kendall, wanting nothing but to see his face come through the door with that smile and that shaggy hair he always wanted to run his hands through. But, of course, friends didn't do that. And that's all they were. At least, that's what both of them thought the other wanted.

Kendall reached Logan's room, pausing when he heard a voice, then realizing there were two voices. He recognized one as Logan's, and the other two weren't familiar to him. Kendall inferred it to be the doctor's voice. Kendall knew better than to eavesdrop but he found himself inching closer to the door and his right ear pressing against the door.

"…need to do this. There is no other way. You will be put on the waiting list and before you know it, you'll be cured. You should not depend on chemo, not in your rare case. A transplant is the only way to go," the doctor said.

"What if you don't find someone that could give me their heart?" Kendall recognized that to be Logan's voice. He noticed that his voice sounded weaker and drained of any enthusiasm.

"For your sake, we'll just hope that someone dies and if they're a match, then you get the heart. If you're worried about the procedure, don't be. You'll be asleep and everything will be fine."

With a slight pause and a sigh, Logan replied with, "Okay. I guess I'll wait." But there was that voice, the voice that was different than Logan's usual voice. The voice that came out when Logan was feeling hesitant and in mood to carry on the conversation he so desperately despised.

Kendall heard shuffling and then footsteps coming through the door and he immediately bolted out of the hallway and about faced, pretending to just get to the hospital. He offered the doctor a slight smile when he passed him and then went right into Logan's room; taking in how pale he looked today as opposed to two days ago when he had more color in his skin.

Logan looked up at Kendall, giving him the biggest smile he could manage and lifting his arms up, signaling Kendall to lean down and give him a hug.

"How do you feel?" Kendall asked as he sat down in the chair next to Logan's bed.

"Worse than yesterday. And the day before that. And the day before that. And every day before that."

"It gets worse before it gets better. Just believe that you can make it," Kendall said, giving a Logan a wry smile when he chuckled at the cliché expression.

"What if it only gets worse? What if I don't get better? And then I die. What happens then?" Kendall widened his eyes, not expecting this to come out from Logan. He knew Logan wasn't the most positive person he knew but he never thought he could ever speak this easily about his possible death.

"Why would you even say that?"

"Maybe I want to die. Maybe this happened for a reason. I should have never been alive and this is what will finally fix the mistake of my parents giving my birth. It's not like the want me anymore. They haven't wanted me for years."

"Your mom gave birth to you for a reason."

"Yeah, there was a time when she wanted kids. Not anymore she doesn't."

"She still wants you."

"They dropped me off at a hospital and left! They gave all the money the hospital needs to try and cure me! They're gone! Stop saying all this shit that they want me because they don't. I'm not fucking blind and neither are you. Just shut up and stop all this bullshit!" Logan yelled, Kendall immediately pulling back the hand he had laid on Logan's. "Shit…Kendall, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"I know you didn't. Just forget it. I overheard you talking to the doctor. Care to explain what happened?"

"He just wanted to talk to me…uh, about the chemo." Kendall nodded, not mentioning he knew about the real reason. He figured Logan was upset and stressed as it was and he didn't need to add on to it.

"What did they say? Are you getting better?"

"Does it look like I'm better? I'm not. I'm tired of feeling like this. It's not even a possibility I'll live."

"Why do you keep saying that?"

"Because I don't want to be alive! I'm done with my life," and again, Kendall was taken aback by how much Logan dreaded his life. "Can you just…can you get me something to eat? Like, not hospital food? I need to clear my head and you too. I'm sorry I snapped at you."

"Yeah, sure. I'll be back." Logan watched Kendall leave his room in two fast strides, blinking back tears until he was out. He then stood up, gently taking off the several wires that were scattered on various parts of his body, and made his way to his bathroom, picking up a scissor on the small nightstand-like table next to his bed. Logan smiled mischievously, chuckling at how he managed to steal the pair of scissors from the ignorant nurse when she was checking up on him. She probably didn't notice the absence in her pocket…and if she did, well, she probably wouldn't care.

He closed the door behind him, searching for a lock but then remembering there was no lock; hospital safety rules. Logan knew that it would take weeks- months even, until the cancer overtook his entire body and left him dead. He also knew it would take months to find a donor because Logan had a rare blood type. The doctors knew, of course, but they didn't want to bring down Logan's mood. Little did they know that it was already down to a maximum.

Logan looked up to the ceiling, closed his eyes, and murmured an inaudible "forgive me," upon raising his arm up to let the hospital bracelet drop down. He had lost so much weight since he was first admitted into the hospital. He brought the sharp point of the scissor to his wrist, stabbing it into his wrist repeatedly before the blood started oozing out at a fast pace. If there was one thing Logan always wished for, it was to be a doctor. That meant that blood was a usual thing to see for him but at how fast it was racing seemed to trigger something in him because suddenly he was clutching onto the side of the sink and desperately trying to stay conscious. He brought his shaking hand to turn on the faucet, turning away from the blood washing down the drain. It took less than thirty seconds to get this much blood out of him, but it took way more to wash it away.

Logan had stood at the sink for what felt like half an hour, the blood not stopping from dripping out of the cut.

"Logan?"

_Shit._

_Kendall._

"In the bathroom! I'll be out in a second!" Logan rummaged through the bathroom, looking for a towel or something that would absorb the blood better but the only thing there was paper towels. He took several sheets and wrapped them around the cut, watching the white fabric turn red. When the blood died down, he got out of the bathroom and quickly laid back down, hiding his left wrist under the sheets.

"Everything okay?" Kendall asked, raising one of his bushy eyebrows that Logan learned to love.

"Yeah. Did you get me something?"

"Sure did. Burger and fries from In-N-Out. I'm not exactly sure if you could have this so don't tell the doctor."

"I won't," Logan chuckled. "Just give me the food."

Kendall watched with wonder as he Logan ate, finishing the burger and fries in record time.

"Wow. You really were hungry."

"Try eating the food this shit hole gives the patients. I'm not used to eating this crap."

"Yet you eat fast food," Kendall said, shifting his eyes to the door as a nurse came in.

"Hello, Logan. How you feeling?" the nurse asked, knowing that Logan would answer with some negative remark.

"Ill. You know, like I've been feeling for the past couple weeks."

Ignoring what Logan said, the nurse smiled and placed a vase filled with flowers on Logan's nightstand.

"Who brought them?" Logan asked, astonished that someone brought flowers for him.

"The man wouldn't say his name. There's a card in there, though."

"Oh, okay. Thanks." The nurse nodded and walked out of the room, Logan taking out the card and reading the contents.

The four words scribbled on the card weren't neat. In fact, they were a bit illegible. But, they had a tinge of beauty to them. Logan knew that handwriting.

James.

_You have my heart_

"What's it say?" Kendall asked, getting impatient. But Logan didn't answer. Tears were building up in his brown chocolate eyes as Kendall waited for the answer he never recieved.

Kendall grew even more impatient, snatching the card out of Logan's hand. "You have my heart." Kendall looked up at Logan, wide-eyed.

"He still cares," Logan quivered.

"The hell he does!" Grabbing his jacket on the back of the chair, Kendall stormed out, racing past patients' rooms, nurses desks, and doctors running to get to where they needed to be.

Kendall got into his car, getting out of the parking lot in record time.

_He still wants him. Logan is still so ignorant, not seeing that James had hurt him already!_

_Gonna give him a piece of my mind. Fucking with Logan's head like that._

As Kendall got to his apartment with James- taking the stairs and not the elevator, climbing two steps at a time- his hands clenched into fists at his sides. He was getting ready to beat James, knowing he would win. He had noticed how James had drastically changed in appearance. He looked weaker. Vulnerable, even.

Practically slamming the key in the lock and turning the door knob, Kendall ran into James' room, sliding his cold hands around James' throat and picking him up off the bed. James had lost his breath, starting to wheeze and slither out of Kendall's grip.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? You broke up with him, now you try and get him back? Fucking bullshit!" Anger was seeping into every pore of Kendall's body, his face turning beet red.

"Kendall...let go," James pleaded.

"Why should I? I outta kill you right now! He's dying, James! Dying! Are you stupid? Messing with him like that!"

"K-Kendall...please." Sighing, Kendall threw James back on his bed, running his own hands through his hair.

"Why are you doing this?"

"I love him. Kendall, I really love him. I know I broke up with him and I was a dick but I'll do whatever I have to get him back. He has my heart. I don't want it back."

"You're such a sap." Kendall turned around, not giving James another look, and going to his own room.

James had a feeling that Kendall was visiting Logan all this time and now he finally knew.

_That backstabbing boyfriend stealer._

* * *

Logan laid in bed that night with only one emotion. Confusion. Why had Kendall walked out like that? Was it possible that he still had feelings for him? No. Logan didn't think that was possible. But, there was plenty of jealousy when Kendall had stormed out on Logan. He was sure that Kendall was angry at James for trying to make a move.

Why had James sent him those flowers in the first place? They were beautiful, yes. Tulips. Logan's favorite. The vase had such a beautiful pattern to them. A familiar one. Logan picked up the vase again, looking at it and trying to remember.

"Red on one side with blue sparkles and on the other side, blue with red sparkles," Logan murmured.

_"Logan! That's a pretty vase…can I touch it?" Not waiting for permission, James picks up the vase and balances it with one hand while running his other hand down the smooth surface. "Logie, it's so beautiful! Can I keep it?" He begged with his award winning puppy dog eyes – really, none of his friends could resist it._

_"It's my grandmother's! You know, the one who passed away? Put that back down, James!" Logan scolded._

_"But it's so, so, so, so, so, beautiful!"_

_"James, put that down and shut up before my parents wake up and hear you!"_

_"Look! It's red on this side with blue sparkles and on the other side it's blue with red sparkles! Logan!"_

_"Ugh, James. How much did you drink?"_

_"I dunno. Maybe enough to fill two of these vases. Maybe more. Maybe less. Probably more. Logan, I'm hungry."_

_"Get your ass into the bathroom and take a shower. You reek."_

_Winking, James responded with, "Come with me." Of course James never missed the chance to get into Logan's pants._

_"No, you go. I need to find something for you to wear. Nice going, by the way. Throwing up all over your clothes. Now go." With a spank on his butt, James was gone._

_It took Logan twenty minutes to find clothes that would just about fit James. James being both taller and fitter than Logan made it hard for Logan to find something, anything, that would fit his drunk boyfriend. Logan all but dug out everything in his closet, finding old sweats and a wife beater in the back of his closet that left Logan clueless as to how they had got there._

_"I'm baaaack!"_

_"I laid out the clothes you could wear. I'm just…uh, shower. I'm going to –"_

_"What's wrong, Logan? Like what you see?" James asked, winking as he put his hand on his stomach, right where his towel rested. "Would you like to see more?"_

_"James…we can't do this. My parents are sleeping and you're drunk and-"_

_"Hey! That's a perfect excuse to fuck. You know you wanna." And that's when James let the towel fall to the ground, exposing the rest of his beautiful chiseled chest, his picture perfect six pack, his v, and the real prize. Logan took it all in, desperately trying to hide the bulge building up in his pants._

_It was all a blur after that. Logan got lost in James as he often found himself doing. James was crazy as it was. Add alcohol to the mix and no one could control him._

_After the countless amounts of thrusts, groans and moans, screams and yells, and everything in between, James had muttered three words. The last three words Logan had expected to hear that night. The three words he's been contemplating over, asking himself if he should say them or not._

_"I love you," a drunken James muttered before falling into a deep slumber._

_Had he meant it?_

_Logan didn't sleep that night. All that he could think about was the three words he'd always wanted to hear and the aching smile on his face. He felt as if his face would explode if the grin got any bigger._

_The next morning, James woke up with a headache, a headache so bad he'd never experienced before. Logan smiled as James rolled over and yawned, stretching his arms and then putting his hands around his eyes, blocking the sun that was spilling from the window beside him._

_"Morning, sleepy head," Logan said as he reached over and grabbed the cup of water and an Advil on the nightstand. "Here, I'm sure you need this for your hangover."_

_After gulping down the water with the pill, James looked up at the ceiling, suddenly becoming interested in the careful painting the workers did a few months back._

_"I meant it," James said after a prolonged silence._

_"Meant what?"_

_"I love you. You didn't say it back. I thought the feeling was mutual."_

_"I…You were drunk. I didn't realize you actually meant it."_

_"Logan Mitchell, I love you. I have never felt this way about anyone. Now the question is, do you? Do you love me?"_

_"James…Of course I love you. I have felt this way for such a long time and I didn't know if it was the right time to say that but yesterday I heard you say it and-"_

_That was all Logan could get out before James crushed his lips to his, kissing him until air became an issue._


	4. Chapter 4

Well would you look at that? A quicker update! Kind of short. But I felt like where I stopped was the perfect place to stop.

Don't hate me when you read the end.

I just really like torturing people with cliffhangers. Sorry not sorry.

Okay, enough talking. Just promise to like it and not kill me and all will be well. Or not.

Oh, and thank you for the reviews! They keep me writing and they make me happy :)

Disclaimer: I do not own BTR. But really. If I did own them. Whoa. Ok.

On to the story!

* * *

Chapter 4

James has taken a liking to being locked up in his bedroom day and night, ear buds in his ears, blasting heavy metal, feet dangling at the end of his big bed. Pizza boxes, cartons from Chinese takeout, Mexican takeout, and everything in between scattered around his room. At first, his mantra was to stop eating and starve, but he quickly became hungry. Too hungry. He ordered anything and everything he could.

He ordered too much. His one of a kind leather jeans refused to zipper and button at the top, his stomach sticking out more than it should.

His head hurt. Among the takeout lay beer bottles. Corona, Budweiser, Samuel Adams. You name it. It was there.

Only four days have passed since the blowout with Kendall. That was when he began eating like there was no tomorrow, not caring about anything. He'd eaten enough food for a week and a half, at least.

But with every bite he took in, more of it came out. As much as he couldn't stand eating so much, he needed it. And as much as he hated that bitter taste in his mouth, he needed everything that came in, to come out.

He hated that he was gaining weight. He was purging. It was all coming out. Yet his stomach grew and grew.

Love never hit him as hard as it hit him with Logan.

No one loved like Logan.

He was different and one of a kind and James took him for granted.

No one ever stared at James with such intensity in their eyes when looking at him. Logan had.

No one touched James with such gusto. Logan had.

No one treated James with such care and passion. Logan had.

Logan had done everything that no one else had done and James had been blind to see it.

And now, now James wanted him back. Him and no one else.

* * *

Kendall has acquired a new trait. He became scared. Scared that Logan would die sooner than expected. Scared that James would visit Logan and they'd resume their relationship. Scared that he'll become a nobody to both of them. Kendall wanted Logan. No. Kendall needed Logan.

Kendall couldn't stand the fact that Logan wanted James. That bouquet of flowers was the stupidest, most fake thing that James had ever done. But Logan didn't see it. He didn't notice how James didn't want him. Because Kendall knew. He knew that there was no way James still wanted Logan because in his mind he was a sick, worthless person. He knew that if James came into his hospital room, sleepless and annoyed with his life, Logan would take him back right then and there. He'd take him back before James would even mutter an apology. And then they'd kiss, Logan thinking that the kiss was the sweetest, most romantic kiss they'd shared while James deemed it bittersweet. Then James would stay with Logan for the rest of the day, talking and watching boring TV with crappy hospital channels. James would sit there with something along the lines of a smile on his face. Something that almost looked like a smile. While Logan wouldn't be able to wipe the grin off his face that got on there when James walked through the door.

Kendall knew it all. James didn't want- no, need- he didn't need Logan. Logan, on the other hand needed him but Kendall didn't understand why.

Kendall was sure he knew everything. He went around with a big head stuffed with useless information and thoughts that might have been false. But he didn't think about that. Because he knew what he knew.

Kendall also knew that Logan missed him. He was sure of it. Four days without seeing each other. Well, it's been a while. That was why he was currently putting on his favorite pair of Vans-his signature pair. He quietly went around the apartment, looking for his car keys that he seemed to drop somewhere right before he had entered James' room in rage. Somewhere under the coffee table that James had insisted they buy, laid the keys to his car.

He couldn't stop himself from throwing a sympathetic look at James' door. Because he knew, behind that closed door laid a damaged James in bed, silently crying for Logan. And as much as he told himself that James didn't want, need, yearn for Logan, there was still a part of him-a part that was bigger than he wanted to be- that told him that James did indeed want Logan back.

And as much as he told himself not to, that James was in a state, a state way too fragile and broken, his feet didn't want to cooperate. Because Kendall was suddenly in front of James' door, turning the door knob, and entering the room he vowed he wouldn't enter.

And as much as he told himself that James was probably okay and he needed time and he was sure he would never lose interest in keeping himself beautiful and well kept, Kendall was wrong. Because the person in front of him wasn't James, no.

The room was a mess. That was a rare occurrence.

He was wearing old sweats and a wife beater that was a bit too small on him.

His face. His face was too much. Tears. His eyes swollen and red, his cheeks tear stained.

And so much pain was evident in his features.

He opened his mouth, trying to form words. Form a phrase. A sentence maybe.

But it was Kendall who spoke first, surprisingly.

"I'm sorry." The two words were barely a whisper. But they were heard. And they made a difference because James, no matter how depressed he had become, had finally gotten a smile on his face. He wanted Kendall to come into his room. Even if he ended up yelling, screaming, cursing. He didn't care. He wanted his best friend back.

"You...I- I didn't think you'd...after what happened-" But James couldn't continue. Because seeing Kendall triggered things. Triggered his many emotions to spill. Triggered his thoughts from the past few days about Logan. Triggered what he didn't want to come out. Triggered the tears that he was sure were done for, dried up and hidden somewhere deep in him. His face- the emotions that were shown on it- they were all too much. Too much for Kendall. And Kendall couldn't, wouldn't care. But he did.

"James... everything okay?" And Kendall might have been a bit stupid to wait for a reply that would never come. "James. James!"

It was terrifying. James had turned pale. Paler than Logan-and that was saying a lot. Kendall watched in horror as his eyes rolled back. In a flash, Kendall was at his side, lightly slapping his cheek, his forehead. He needed water to wake him up and so he ran to get some.

Waking James up was quite a task.

And when he did wake up, James wasn't James.

"I want him back," James weakly said.

Kendall knew a lot of things. And in that moment, he knew he needed to back off. Because James started to cry again and comforting people when they were sobbing, well, that wasn't Kendall's forte.

"I never realized how much he meant to me. I-I...he...I want to see him! I just don't know if...if he'll let me. I bet he hates me!" And his tears got worse. And Kendall felt guiltier.

"James...I-"

"Tell me you'll back off." James cut him off. "Tell me that you won't try to make a move on him. I know you like him. But please. Just...let me have him. P-please," his voice cracked.

"Okay. Yeah. I'm sorry. He's yours."

James managed a smile. Kendall would back off. But would Logan take him back?

"Stop eating all this crap," Kendall said, picking up the takeout boxes all around him. "I know you eat when you're in this mood but...you need to stop, James."

"Yeah. You're right. Can you take all this?"

As much as Kendall wanted to leave and see Logan, he did as James said. Because James was always there for him and Kendall needed to return the favor.

When Kendall was done, he offered James a wry smile and left. James felt better. He felt like James. And that was when he finally got up, gathered all his Cuda products, went into the bathroom, and began working on himself.

Kendall approached Logan's room with ease, immediately knocking and waiting for a response. Logan's "come in" came as quickly as Kendall got to his room. Kendall opened the door, watching how Logan's face seemed to switch- it held a grin but then turned into a slight smile.

"Oh. Hey, Kendall." Kendall didn't miss the way Logan seemed to hesitate a bit. He also didn't miss the way his eyes lost the spark they held the minute Kendall entered through the door.

"Oh? Were you expecting someone else?" And Kendall hoped, prayed, pleaded inside that he wasn't waiting for James to come.

But Kendall's short prayers went nowhere. "I…I thought that m-maybe, uh, James was coming."

He promised. Kendall had promised to back off and let James have him. But he couldn't help how angry he had gotten from what Logan said. All Logan wanted was a stupid, lying, prick that couldn't grow the balls to see the man he supposedly loved.

Instead of raging at Logan for wanting a man that would give him nothing, Kendall calmly made his way to the chair next to Logan's bed; the chair he hadn't sat in in a while.

"I'm sorry I haven't been here in a while. I-"

"It's okay. I understand." Logan was quick to cut him off.

"So how you been?"

"Same as I've been when you last visited." Kendall didn't miss the slight attitude Logan had used when he spoke. He also didn't miss how he looked down when he spoke. Like he didn't want to face Kendall, or like he was hiding something. And that's exactly what Kendall wanted to know-what was Logan hiding?

"So what are you not telling me?"

"Why would you even think I'm hiding something? I'm just-"

"Save it, Logan. I know you and I know you when you're lying or hiding something. So what is it?"

"The doctors…They gave me a sentence."

If Kendall's heart didn't ache already, it just about broke and plummeted into his stomach. Because Kendall didn't expect for there to be a sentence for Logan so soon, not when Logan had just been diagnosed recently. There couldn't be.

Kendall was terrified, petrified even, to ask how long the sentence was. But as much as it pained him, he needed to know.

And the answer Logan gave wasn't what Kendall expected. At all. Because it was too soon too soon too soon. And Kendall didn't want that. He wanted it to be never. "I have thirty days. A month," Logan quivered, bursting into tears when Kendall did the same.

"No. Logan, please. I-it can't be…no."

"I wish it wasn't true. So many things I haven't done. So many wishes that haven't come true. Thirty days. I'd rather just die now than wait a month. I rather just finish what I started."

"Finish what you…" Kendall trailed off. He didn't realize until he saw that Logan was pulling at his sleeve that he had a cut. A cut that was three inches in size. A cut that was still red and fresh and recent. A cut that was done by Logan.

"Logan…you- why?" Kendall had to hold back more tears. He had been so ignorant, so obsessed with getting Logan that he didn't see what was going on behind the guard he put up. The cancer wasn't the only thing hurting him. He was hurting himself, inflicting pain on himself. He actually _wanted _to die.

"Because I'm done. I'm not waiting for the thirty days to be over. I want to die now."

"Why? Why would you want that?"

"I have no one but you! No one gives a shit!"

"Logan, you mean so much to me. Please. Don't do this. I heard what the doctors said. You can get a heart transplant, can't you? It'll all be better."

"My blood type is rare. They can't find anyone who matches up. There's no use. Not anymore."

"No, you can't give up! I don't know what I'd do without you! Please, Logan."

"You're the only one," Logan whispered. Because more tears were coming to his eyes and he was thinking about _him_ again and he couldn't do it anymore. He wanted James back. "James. He won't even visit me!"

And that made Kendall snap.

_"Tell me you'll back off. Tell me that you won't try to make a move on him. I know you like him. But please. Just...let me have him. P-please."  
_

_"Okay. Yeah. I'm sorry. He's yours."_

Kendall had promised James. But he couldn't keep the promise. Logan was blind and ignorant and suicidal but sweet and kind. He wasn't self-centered, just self-conscious. But he was so loveable and he didn't see it and it was hurting Kendall more than he could tolerate.

So Kendall did it. He did what he wanted to do the first time he had laid eyes on Logan. He did what he wanted to do since he saw James meet Logan's lips numerous times and wish that it was him kissing Logan.

He kissed him.

_His lips are so soft and perfect and they fit perfectly with mine._

_I love him. _

_I don't care about how he loves James and James loves him back._

_I love Logan._

And Logan kissed back.

_I just want James._

_But this is Kendall. _

_And all I could see behind my closed eyes is James. _

To Kendall, it felt surreal. Like doves were flying above while a rainbow formed around them and fireworks erupted and beautiful colors swarmed together.

To Logan it felt magical. But it wasn't James.

Tongue was added and the kiss turned sloppier. Breathing was becoming hitched but neither seemed to want to pull away.

Not until Logan's lap felt submerged in soft petals. They pulled away to only see a figure running out of the room.

A figure that was clad in a black leather jacket, skinny dark blue jeans, and converse.

James.


	5. Chapter 5

I have no excuse as to why this is so late. I'M SORRY. Really, I am.

This chapter might be...a big confusing, I guess. I think you'll guys get it, but if not, well, don't hesitate to ask (:

Thank you all for the reviews! I LOVE THEM. Seriously, they keep me writing.

Now onto a sad note...the next chapter is most likely the last one. Unless I decide to do an epilogue...which I'm still unsure about.

Disclaimer: If I owned Big Time Rush I would buy a camera and take multiple pictures of them...in different ways-if you know what I mean, and I'd post it all over the internet. Sadly, I can't do that since I don't own them. Sucks, right?

Anyway! On to the chapter!_  
_

* * *

_"I'm going in with you," James said, getting up from the way too low seat in the small waiting room and followed Logan following the doctor._

_"Logan, you may get on the bed. Uh-"_

_"James."_

_"James. Right. James, you may sit right there," the doctor said, pointing to the chair not too far from the bed. "I was looking through your file, Logan. Your blood type, well, it's not as common. It actually may be classified as rare. But, no worries. It's not a bad thing. I'm going to draw some blood." The doctor had set Logan's folder down right next to James- of course, the doctor didn't notice that he did._

_James had the chance to scan the file- nothing surprising came up, thankfully. But one thing caught James' eyes- Logan's blood type._

_James had the same. AB+._

_And it was another thing that they had in common._

_And James had a feeling. A bad feeling that this information would come to be useful one day or another. James had shaken the thought out of his head as quickly as it came in. _

* * *

When James was in first grade, his teacher would take the class out into the playground and let them play whatever they wanted to. There was a sandbox in between the baby slides and the big kid slides, as James liked to name it. James only allowed one person to join him in playing in the sandbox. He was the only person worthy to be in James' presence. Even at six years old, James was very picky with the people whom he talked to.

The boy came up to James wearing baggy jeans- and James was sure he'd trip over them eventually- a white shirt that had sparkles and graffiti on them, and the sickest pair of sneakers James had ever seen.

Now, James wasn't afraid of anything. Not the monsters that were supposedly hiding underneath his bed, not for his father who loved to have a drink or two. Or ten. James was just fearless. But when this tiny little boy sat down in the middle of James' sandbox and started building a castle like he was the king, James couldn't help but feel a bit intimidated. He thought the boy would have a loud booming voice and would yell at him any second. But instead, the boy finally looked up at James and spoke. "Hi! I'm Carlos!'

James couldn't respond because suddenly he was in hysterics, laughing at the squeaky little voice that the boy held inside him. For a boy that big and for an outfit that bold and, well, not something a typical first grader would wear, he was really something else.

"What's so funny? I wanna laugh too!" The boy wasn't offended by anything. He didn't even care that James was basically laughing at him.

"You're just...different. I'm James. Want to help me make a castle?"

"Sure!"

* * *

Carlos had moved away right before they ended junior high. James never forgot how heartbroken he felt. Not because James had liked Carlos- James hadn't even determined his sexuality at that point- but because they were best buds. Brothers. And James never felt so empty. Until he became best friends with Kendall. And from that point on, they were inseparable. James wasn't letting another one of his best friends go.

So when James saw Kendall kissing Logan after Kendall promised James he would back off, everything James had ever done for Kendall ran through James' mind.

James had sneaked out of his second floor bedroom in the middle of the night a countless amount of times just to make sure Kendall was okay. Because if there was one thing that the duo had in common, it was both their dads were alcoholics. Even though James' dad has never once hit him, no matter how drunk and crazy he might've gotten, Kendall's dad was different.

James was buff. He took extra care of himself, always making sure he looked good. It was obvious he worked out and went to the gym. Just because the gym was like his second home, didn't mean that he liked PE. So when Kendall and James were changing in the locker room, they took more time than needed.

James would notice if a person was feeling down, even if they were one of the best actors in the drama department. So when Kendall was taking off his flannel shirt- and really, James couldn't stand that he always had to wear those ugly flannel shirts, he really needed to change his wardrobe- James had noticed a red bruise. It was new- James only knew that because he was actually paying attention in class the day the teacher discussed bruises.

"What happened?" James asked, bringing Kendall out of the trance he had slipped in.

"What?" By now Kendall and James were the only ones in the locker room.

"That bruise," James said, pointing at it. "How did that happen?"

"Oh. Some seniors pushed me down the stairs when I was getting to first period." James had connections. He had friends in high places. And James knew no senior would do that to his own best friend, even if they were both fresh meat.

"Nice lie. That bruise is at least a day old and I was with you first period. So what happened?"

Kendall slid down the wall he had his back against, putting his head in his hands.

Now James was worried. Kendall had always been the courageous, there-for-you-when-you-needed-him, loving friend that a person would be lucky to have. Kendall didn't cry. Ever.

Seeing Kendall tremble and sob felt like James' heart was being torn out and stomped into a million pieces. Kendall wasn't supposed to cry.

"Kendall," James said, bending down so he was at the same level as Kendall. "Who did that?"

James got a response from Kendall after a minute or two, after his sobs had died down. But James didn't understand. It wasn't possible. It couldn't be possible.

"Please tell me you're kidding…"

"Why would I be kidding?" Kendall yelled. "My stupid father did this to me because I'm worthless to him and he felt the need to kick me into the fucking floor after he got laid off! He doesn't care that my bedroom now has a blood stain the size of half my body!"

What stung the most in James' heart was that Kendall had called himself worthless. If anything, Kendall wasn't worthless. He meant so much to so many people. He meant so much to him.

James loved him.

James wanted to let Kendall know that he was special and that he had a special place in his heart, and instead of telling him, James did something people would be repulsed by in his town because everyone was a stupid prick. James kissed Kendall.

And for a second or two, Kendall kissed back and all of James' dreams and first base fantasies with Kendall were complete. Until Kendall suddenly pulled away and looked at James like he was an alien.

"You kissed me," Kendall stated the obvious in shock.

"I love you!" James blurted. That wasn't supposed to come out of his mouth. Not now.

"You...you love me?" Kendall was definitely surprised at that. No one could love him. Kendall felt damaged beyond repair, and why anyone would like him, let alone love him- well, Kendall just didn't seem to understand.

"I never felt this way about anyone. I never thought I would feel this way about anyone. You're so outgoing and brave and...you're everything I'm not. I love you."

"James, you don't mean that. I'm not brave at all and I'm nothing. I'm worthless, just like my father said."

"No you're not. You're so much more."

"James...I don't like you like that."

James thought he'd never find someone again. He thought he'd never love again. But to James' surprise, he got over Kendall quickly. It was just a crush that seemed to brew quickly but went away as quickly as it came.

The two had been through a lot. James knew Kendall better than anyone. That was why when he saw Kendall and Logan kissing, he knew they were good for each other. James could never give Logan what he wanted.

But James still loved Logan. Logan would always be a part of James and James wanted to make sure that he would be a part of Logan.

* * *

Catching up with James didn't take long- Kendall had clutched onto his arm and wouldn't let him go once he spotted him in the parking lot.

Kendall has seen James cry only a few times. There were times here and there when Kendall cried because of how messed up his life was, and James had cried along. Then he cried earlier that day when he had a breakdown and had made Kendall promise not to interfere between him and Logan anymore.

Every time Kendall saw James cry, it got more upsetting than the previous time, and this time was no better.

"James-" Kendall started, but quickly got cut off.

"You like him- or love him. Whatever. I'm done."

"Done? Done with what? Trying to make Logan yours?"

"Done with everything. You could have him. You could have anything you want."

"James, what are you talking about?"

"It's funny, though. When I was ten I had this dream of me somehow committing suicide. I told myself that would never happen because I thought I'd always have a happy life and I'd have everything I always wanted- always needed. Guess I was wrong."

"James...you're seriously scaring me. What is going on?"

"Car accidents happen all the time, right?"

"James-"

"Anyway. I'll see you later," and with that James hopped into his car and sped off to God knows where, Kendall standing in the middle of the lot looking as dumbfounded as could be.

* * *

James got home in under ten minutes, immediately locking himself in his bedroom.

When James was ten and his mom still kind of loved him, she gave James a camera. James' very first camera. James was beyond ecstatic and began taking pictures of anything and everything. He took pictures of beautiful flowers he had found at the park, admiring the coloration and design that nature had created. James had taken pictures of the ducks at the small pond, smiling at the little family- and even though they were ducks, James would always be jealous of the bonding.

James had taken pictures of old couples taking a stroll along the park as kids flew kites and screamed and played tag and numerous amount of games. James wanted to grow old and love someone. He didn't want what his parents had which was simply classified as hatred.

James thought that he'd grow old with Logan. He thought they'd get married and adopt as many kids as they could and have one big happy family and maybe even throw a dog into that mix. But James' dream was cut short.

As James dug around the top shelf of his closet, he thought about what he would say.

_All I want is to see Logan smile up at me once again as I kiss him. I want to hold his hand and go to take a walk along the boardwalk at the beach and hear him tell me that he loves me. I won't care if anyone sees us. I don't care if people know I'm gay. I just want Logan. _

James didn't know if or when Logan would see the video but he knew he had to leave something for him. Smiling to himself when he found the camera, he dusted it off and turned it on, thanking no one in particular when it worked. Even though the camera was old and wasn't as enhanced as camera these days, it worked fine. Switching the button from photo to video, James set it atop the camcorder he had found - also in the back of the closet, and pressed record. He got on his bed, sitting Indian style and looking straight into the camera.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I broke up with you when you needed me the most. I love you. Always have, always will. I was selfish and I only cared about myself. There's not much I could say at this point. I love you and I always had a dream that we would get married and get a house and adopt as many children as we could. But, of course, that dream has ended. I hope you're happy because that's all I want for you. I hope you'll always carry a part of me with you. I always said I'll be thinking about you worldwide, right?"

_Logan and James were dating for only six months when James had to leave everything behind and travel across the country to see his grandmother who was in her death bed. James didn't want to go, mostly because he barely knew the woman, and because she was his father's mother. His father actually stayed sober for the month that they were gone, James hating that his grandma believed that her son wasn't a drunk._

_Logan didn't want to see James go because at the time, James didn't even know how long he would be gone for. He took all of his school assignments with him, everything the class would be covering in that month, he had._

_As James packed up in his room, Logan sat on his bed and watched, not wanting to see his boyfriend go. It was their last night together before James would be off in New York._

_"James…can't you stay? You don't even know the woman."_

_"I wish I could. But I already begged my parents for hours and there's no use. I have to go."_

_"Will you call me every night?"_

_"I'll tuck you in every night on the phone," James said. James felt proud of himself at that point because that was a good lyric. And from that, he made up a song for Logan, a song that Logan forever treasured._

"And I can hardly take another goodbye  
Baby, won't be long  
You're the one that I'm waiting on  
Hello, tuck you in every night on the phone

'Cause I'll be thinking about you worldwide, worldwide, worldwide  
'Cause I'll be thinking about you worldwide, worldwide, worldwide  
'Cause I'll be thinking about you

Worldwide  
Yes, I may meet a million pretty girls  
That know my name  
But don't you worry  
_'Cause you have my heart_"

As James finished singing the song, he wiped a stray tear off his cheek and turned off the camera.

_Logan will always have my heart._


	6. Chapter 6

This isn't a new chapter.

I just wanted to say that this story is on hiatus- if I even decide to finish it. I've tried writing the last chapter several times, but I'm just not feeling it.

I'm going to start a new story soon, and I promise I won't abandon that one! So, keep an eye out for my new story!

I'm sorry about _Sick Heart. _I was actually looking forward to finish it. Hopefully I will get some more inspiration for _Sick Heart_, and if I do, who knows when that will be?

I'll try to work on it again eventually. But for now, I'm just going to forget about it. I just need some time apart from that story.

So, goodbye for now :)

~Liz


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